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The jealous friend, the possessive friend, the non-supportive friend, the pot stirring friend [who usually calls you just to gossip], the self absorbed friend that only wants to call you to vent, or brag [it is never about you]; are you bringing them into the New Year with you? The New Year marks a paradigm shift for many of us, and it is a great time to clean house; replacing the people in your life that sustain themselves by sucking the energy out of others.
I was guilty of keeping those people around me for quite some time and it did nothing but drain my energy, and leave me envious of people who had substantial, meaningful friendships. I had become one of those people I hated. A friend collector. Friend collectors are generally people that have about 550,000 friends associates; but no real friends. God, there is a difference.
Friends should never leave you feeling empty, feeling used, or feeling down. Sticking around because of "x" number of years you have been friends isn't a good trade off; considering all that you lose in the process. Energy is just as valuable as time. Like attracts like. It's no coincidence that the depression, unhappiness, and insecurity I felt at various points in my life attracted other people that were no better off than I was at the time. It became a domino effect. A vortex of negativity that manifested in every decision I made, and every new "friend" I gained. One day I asked myself why none of my friends were happy. It was a "circle" of constant drama, that played out like the juiciest episodes of Days of Our Lives. Maybe I attracted those people because of the Laws of Attraction, maybe I befriended them because no positive-minded people would spend more than 5 minutes in the room with me before realizing I was battling some serious issues, and didn't want to be the host in which I could suck their energy. Either way, a change needed to happen.
Just like that, I cut them off. It was lonely those first few months. No one to talk to on the way home, no one to talk to while I was in line at the grocery store. It was the loneliest, yet best time I could have ever spent with myself. I realized in the end that those friends were distractions from the issues I was running from. After giving myself a number of tune-ups and realigning with my true self, I started to attract people that were a mirror of me. I was better off at that time, which meant that my friends were too.
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Cleanse your aura around you and you will attract individuals that live off of the vibrations of joy versus the parasitic friends that live by sucking energy. - That positive force-field of friends you create will help you attract more experiences and emotions that are in line with your vibration. Let 2011 be the year you let your light shine, and walk in truth with like minds.
What energy are you bringing with you into the New Year?
OMG! You took the words out of my mouth.. I have to show my friend this.. maybe this will help her understand what I'm trying to tell her.
ReplyDeleteYou are truly, on time, in style and just so fabolous. Happy new year, you have certainly made my mine very happy. I am a person that feels just about every expression you have posted on here... You are a bit further in your life path, but your sharing, is such encouragement for me to keep going when at those lonely times you mentioned above can have me feeling all low. You are sunshine. You daughter is lucky to have such a mother, you mother so lucky to have such a daughter. I am lucky that you share you. Peace girl and please keep it going
ReplyDelete"if you can't change the people around you, change the people around you" With starting a business i had to learn this. People will show their true colors after a while and force you to remember that you can do "bad all by yourself".
ReplyDeleteloved the post!
~L~
Avid Accents Blog and Boutique
Oh goodness you could've come at a better time. I recently went through this with two friends i had for the last 6 years and just had to cut them lose because they never appreciated me and sucked all my goddam energy. I feel better for it. Just like you I'm lonely and have no-one to talk to in the grocery store or on the way home. There is also one of ten years who suddenly stabbed me in the back and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it but I know none of these people are entering the new year with me. I feel drained but this post is just what I need as I am currently IM'ing said back stabber. Thankyou for this your blog is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say I love your blog and what you had to say about negative people.I also agree w/L about people showing you their true colors. People tell/show you who they are.Sometimes you have to sit still and listen to your instincts.I recently had to do a "Mommy Break-up".I realized she had to many issues that i couldn't be a part of.So when i stopped calling her, she sent me a nasty text,angry voice mail, AND a note!All that equals CRAZY!
ReplyDeleteI went through a very deep depression about two years ago. I thought it was only a coincidence that my bast friend of 13 years was going through a depression at the same time. But as I gained the strength the pull myself out of it, striving to be more positive and motivated, I noticed something. Our value systems were in no way aligned, and she constantly attracted negativity in her life. I tried to fight for our friendship but eventually realized that I had to let her go. At first I thought it was a selfish thing to do but, as you so eloquently explained, energy is contagious. As much as I love her, it just wasn't healthy for me to keep her in my life.
ReplyDeleteAmazing post. Keep up the marvelous work.
This article is really right on time!!!!
ReplyDelete"if you can't change the people around you, change the people around you"<<---Yes! ~L~ of Avid Accents
Great post. Very inspiring!
ReplyDeleteUgh! The pictures you post are so inspiring!! I am in love with her fro!! I love to come here and see the beauty of our people!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Really inspiring and everything. Thanks for a great blog x
ReplyDeletethanx for posting! definitely food for thought...
ReplyDeleteAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMEN!!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right about choosing who we spend our time with. People's negativity can spread like a virus. This post couldn't have come at a better time for me. I have been dealing with certain people who always leave me exhausted and down after our conversations. It is time for me to make changes....
ReplyDeleteLove this post; i couldn't agree with you more. ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, THANK YOU for yet another enlightening post! Goodness I love this blog! :)
ReplyDeleteTrue Testimony..
ReplyDeletewow i love this so much, i had to learn the hard way that when u try to better yourself some "friends" will call u fake and say u "changed" but in everything I been through I am lucky to have had 2 people who have been there with me and support me....i hope everyone can be so lucky to get rid of the negative people and only keep those who have your best interest at heart!
ReplyDeletegreat post!
ReplyDeleteEveryone needs someone who will stand by them reguardless...I would hate to know my friends were considering dropping me because my life sucks and I am not happy...I am glad that my friends love me in spite of my issues...
ReplyDeleteGirl!!! you are speaking as much about me as you are about yourself. I am feeling the exact same feelings at the moment, and I have had difficulty making a decision on what to do. I have never had a problem with being by myself, but I worry a great deal about others and what my leaving their lives will do, however I realise they put out messages to keep me in this 'helper' mode all the time when in fact they just suck my energy little by little. Life is too short for such foolery. Thank You my dear, this was a great blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! Sometimes it is hard when you realize the "friends" in your life aren't really friends. Many times I have felt lonely, desperate, and very challenged by the idea that I have a lack of friends. But I am still here and I am still standing. I have let go of those negative people and I have focused my energy on my goals and my dreams. I have faith and I pray that true, genuine friends will come.
ReplyDeleteNICE!! I compeltely agree!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a similar post on Tuesday. http://thechampagnesocial.com
Happy Holidays everyone!!
This is an amazing post! Speaks of things so true..When you are lonely in a midst of friends..then its time for a change! A friends who stagnates with you is as bad as a friend who pulls you down! If friends don't pull you up..then its time for a change!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful post!
A new year toast in advance: To 2011, progressive friends, and fulfilling friendships! Cheers!!!
Thank you for this post. :-)
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with this post more. I've been really lucky my whole life in that I've always had really great friends. I keep my circle pretty tight, but the people I do invest in are definitely worth it. The older I get, the more I'm realizing that life is way too short to spend it with negative people. I'm also learning that you sometimes need to keep negative family members at bay as well.
ReplyDeleteKendra
http://closetconfections.com
Definitely, bringing less of my insecurity, internal drama and more faith in myself to 2011. Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteyou have no idea how much this post meant to me..real talk...just simply thank you!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!! and @Avid.. I just LOOOOOVE this quote
ReplyDelete"if you can't change the people around you, change the people around you"
This was such a beautiful post and I love your honesty regarding the issue. The truth is, you are the company you keep. Positivity breeds positive encounters and relationships, it really is that simple. Everyone should evaluate what they are bringing into the approaching year to ensure it begins with the most genuine and loving energy!!
ReplyDeleteThis post made my day!! Thank you for sharing, you are truly a beautiful person and the energy you show in your blog reflects it.
ReplyDeleteHave an amazing new year
well said, I gotta let you know that I come read your blog like everyday because its helping me to grow! Your such an inspiration and I hope you continue to inspire....
ReplyDeleteGreat write Nik. You know I cleaned house a while ago. All good now. It's quality not quantity. I love the woman you have grown into.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking this. I have so many friends who never bother to call me when things are going great for them, only when all hell has broke loose. Tired of being the "shoulder to cry on friend". Just had Bible study classes dealing with the issues of who you spend your time with, share your talents with, and give your money to. I've realized GOD is not making anymore time... You cant buy it, only SPEND IT!!! Time to implement what I already know.... Thanks!!!
ReplyDeletehey nikole, thanks for this post..i really relate to it(going through something similar right now)..i was wondering what did you do in those times of lonliness to heal yourself? did you read self-help books? pray? meditate? how do you heal yourself from all the pain/frustrated caused by fake "friends"?
ReplyDeletei'm asking b/c i would really appreciate your help..you seem so happy and from all your pics it looks like you have great friends/family so how did you bounce back from the depression? thanks
Like everyone on here, this post hits right at home and at the heart. I have been contemplating letting go of a friendship that has been over 15 years in the making. We don't speak as much as we use to and I don't feel compelled to talk to her. I always say I need new friends. Real friends. I needed this food for thought. Thank you
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best post I've read in a while. Just reading it was refreshing in every way. I've had a "friend cleaning" earlier this year, and I rid myself of the toxic energy that seemed to be overwhelming at times.
ReplyDelete2011... Passion, Positivity, Poise, Pride... and LOVE!
-xo
www.morgan-ashley.net
oh my goodness... i was reading this earlier just as i was leaving work today. i really needed this because i am going thru this same situation RIGHT NOW. its hard being in a hostile working environment. it gets lonely and even sad at times but i gotta stay true to myself and real, true friends will come. no weapon formed...!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I read your blog daily I usualy don't leave comments - but after reading this post I had to. What you wrote was exactly what I needed to hear, and I thank you for that. Keep writing what God puts on your heart because it is truly helping others!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and something I've been mulling over for awhile. I need to drop some deadweight and although it will be hard, there is no time like the present.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing
www.lipstickmanual.blogspot.com
Although I agree it's wise to end harmful relationships (e.g. undermining, betrayal, abuse, etc), many wounded people with good hearts and intentions need support from those who love them in order to find their way to positivity. Abandonment is one of the most hurtful things for a vulnerable person to go through. Real isn't perfect, and the truest friendships allow people to be everything that they are ... the ebb and the flow. :)
ReplyDeleteagree agree agree!! I went through this some years ago and I remember a quote from Will Smith, he said "Look at 5 of your closest friends and they'll show you who you are. If they are going nowhere, then neither are you."
ReplyDeleteThe key is to surround yourself with like-minded people that have goals and are PERSUING them.
This is an EXCELLENT post!
www.pretty-girl-rock.com
Funny that I am on the phone with someone fitting into this category NOW! Time to clean house. I have been mentally drained listening to others, then dealing with my own life!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I’ve been thinking about and have been unable to make a decision regarding it for a while now . Your post and Funke’s statement, has helped me make one.
ReplyDeleteThanks! For a great post!
This is not abandoning friends... this is taking ownership of the control and the power you have in yuo own life. This if anything is empowering to a friend to know that you support them with the decisions they make for themselves and that you as a friend vow to keep your self fully charged and sane so that you can maintain that friendship. Sometimes when we are low we can not see the hands reaching to pull us up, its like we need to stay in that downward motion for a while. How selfish to require of a friend to stay there with you. How little forthought to see that your friend may best be needed to stay in her own motion so that when you are ready to reach back to be pulled up she/ he is still there. I dont know how nicole meant it but the way i understand her is that it is important to relieve each other of the emotional pulls we have and the expectations and the judements, try to operate on a level that is more natural with our own vibrations. we will darw those who more naturally gravitate to us and we can be a strength to those who need a helping hand. I am a person who does not operate as effectively when i am down and I CANT survive and thrive with people who do. A friend would be able to see that and our relationship would modify so that we can both have happy lives, isnt that what we want for a friend
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Love your blog. My burning question is if you have a few so-called friends that you cut loose, just how easy is it to establish new friendships? I'm a college-educated 30-year-old single black female. My best friend from college lives overseas so I don't see her on a regular basis. The few people around me need to be cut loose. I've heard it gets more difficult to establish relationships with people as you get older? I often wonder that as don't so many people already have their "set group" of friends and are not looking to expand their circle any further? Some people I've noticed have no problem talking to you but in terms of taking it further where you could possibly get together, hang out, etc. etc. - remains to be seen. For some people, is it possibly too late to establish adult friendships? TV is one thing, the real world is completely another. Just how easy or not so easy is it? Looking forward to your comments on this topic.
ReplyDeleteI've been fortunate enough not to pick people who are draining as friends. That's how I keep my cheerful demeanor. It's one thing to have friends who are human and have issues like we all do. It's another thing to have someone who has been having the same issues for the last 8 years or is never happy or who doesn't put forth an effort to work through mental blocks. I'm a strong gal and honestly, I need strong friends who will help carry me when I'm down and also who will know that I'll carry them when they're down. But normally if everything is skewed to where you're always helping, problem solving, etc..it's not a friendship. That person is taking advantage.
ReplyDeleteTo Anon @ 10:14, I do think it's hard to make friends as we get older. I don't have that many reallllly close friends. I'd like to have one great pal that I can do fun girlfriend stuff with but I haven't found her! I'm not sure how to get that comrade but I feel ya. I've met lots of people who are cool but we've kinda remained as acquaintances and it hasn't gotten to a deeper level. I'm glad you brought up the question. It's one I think a lot of us struggle with.
I am currently going through the lonely phase after breaking off from my closest selfish "friend." Its a weird feeling because I miss our fun times, but I definately couldnt stand another minute of her mooching, gossiping, etc. I liked this post, it reminded me that this is also a good time to evaluate the we treat our friends, not just the way they treat us.
ReplyDeletethis is sooooo inspirational
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post!
ReplyDeleteI just ended a 17 year long friendship because of her negativity and the fact that she stole and used me. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially from someone that calls themselves your friend.
Profound! It seems as if I wrote those words. Last night, I was looking over the people I consider my friends on facebook after I received a call from a friend who only calls to brag, to ask for a favor to advance her own self interest (but is never there when I need help), or to be nosy (making she has a competitive edge over me) and I decided that it was time for me to get rid of those friends. I, too, have been battling depression and having a difficult time being motivated about life. The last thing I need is someone trying to make themselves feel better by making me feel bad. I need to be in a different place right now, comfortable in my own skin, not ashamed of where I am at this point in my life, and not caring what people think about me. The fear of being put down by others and what they think has hindered me in a major way. I really needed to read your post today because it only confirms what I had been thinking and what I need to do.
ReplyDeleteLooking through all the comments, I am agreeing with mostly everyone! this post is amazing. Friendships should be healthy! It is selfish for people to live in their drama and unhappiness for months and expect to keep devoted friends around. To the questions about the lonely phase, I too went through that for a while and i diverted my attention to my career and financial goals! But also ladies I want to say that those friends you cut loose, they can change once the world drops them on their a** and they see that their ways have hurt and push people away. I recently reconnected with my best friend after 2 years of not speaking. She was possesive and sometimes selfish. Now she is a visible AMAZINGly changed woman and we are getting back to the closeness we once had! there is hope for women to stay friends. But it does take some weeding out the bad or just giving ppl time to grow. (sorry 4 long post!)
ReplyDeleteI always say change who you surround yourself with because if your energy is brought down then do everything within your power to make it better. You have to start with self love, know your worth and everything should fall into place!
ReplyDeletehttp://itsall411.blogspot.com
Excellent post. In theory, it's a lot harder than it sounds.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post! I often ask my self WHY ME!! I consider myself a good friend but rarely receive the same in return. Instead I have the self centered friend, the drama friend, or the depressed friend who I repeatedly have to talk off the ledge! Don't get me wrong I rise to whatever occasion for my friends but I always end up with the short end of the stick. Sorry I don't mean to belabor the point...I just wanted to share I am now ready to receive meaningful and thoughtful friendships!!
ReplyDeleteI came back to this post after church today after remember reading it earlier this week because this was the same message from Pastor Paul. That you can't take nay sayers with you into the new year or new season in your life. You guys must have been channeling each other or he reads your blog too! So inspiratonal and timely!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for sharing this. This is so real. I've dropped so many "friends" in the past few years that my phone list only had 20 numbers in it. I no longer hang on to friendships like I used to. I once had a 'friend' that I knew since junior high; we talked, hung out and I considered her a 'friend'. We went to the same college. But I began to notice whenever she would call me, it was only for a favor or something she wanted from me. Another friend of mine who I stopped talking to for a while, was the same. I was cool with it for a some time, but she sent me through the roof one day, when she called me out of the blue asking me to go to the mall with her?! Hell No. I wasn't busy, but why the hell would I go with her, when I hadn't spoken to her in months ?! She only called me just to drag me to the damn mall. That's not a friend.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you said about the energy. Some people waste too much time trying to hold on to a friendship. It's not worth it. I also noticed through the "friend drops" I made, I have less drama in my life too.
I do find that I'm always the most considerate one in a friendship & that's why I'm not so eager to become friends with new people lol! I only have 2 friends like that, and those are my besties.
great piece. i must say that friends come in different categories but its important to never lose track or take for granted those who mean the most to us.. thank you for the reminder
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. I realized this a while back and have purged myself of negative friends. You're right, it's lonely at first, but I've been so much happier and so much more focused.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have described it as eloquently as you have!
This is so on time for me, I have a friend that I am always having drama with and it is emotionally draining. So this really hit home, Thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteI had so many ah-ha moments reading this post! I really feel that New Years is the perfect time to do inventory in your life and remove anything that is not working for you, wether its a worn out pair of shoes or a worn out relationship!
ReplyDeleteI also want to add that I really enjoy your blog and I look forward to you natural hair tips & vibrant pictures! You seem like such a positive girl! I appreciate your contribution ;0) God bless and have a wonderful holiday!
"maybe I befriended them because no positive-minded people would spend more than 5 minutes in the room with me before realizing I was battling some serious issues, and didn't want to be the host in which I could suck their energy. Either way, a change needed to happen."
ReplyDeleteTo me this quote sums it all...difficult, but self-reflection then friend selectivity are necessary. Also, forgiving others is key, because those draining folks were your friends at some point.
The past 6 moths i went on a ´cleaning´journey! I am much better of without these excess baggages:)And the things you wrote i can relate to it...they are so true...
ReplyDeleteOh wow, this post really hit home because I recently cut all ties to my closest friend post-Thanksgiving. I'm not a friend collector, and I tend to be close friends with only a few, but I also tend to put too much weight on years of friendship instead of the quality. She went to NY for thanksgiving with me and the entire time I was just in this angry state and I felt so drained by the end of the trip. I did not enjoy my time at all because she was there and during this time I realized she just didn't care about anybody but herself. I'm so happy I read this post because it made me feel better about my decision.
ReplyDeletegreat piece. i will not stand for emotional vampires in my life. life is too short and i do not have time to waste. i have no problems removing them, even if they are family members.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you're talking about. I went through the same thing this past year with "friends". Letting them go was hard but I know that they arent doing anything for me to help me grow as a person. 2011 will be about me focusing on my happiness & only sharing it with people who want that for me.
ReplyDeleteGood for you!
Wow! I completely understand what you mean in this blog. I have flushed out a lot of negative energy vampires and I am so much happier today now that I have done that. :) I'm glad you cleaned up your social circle! Good luck in 2011! :)
ReplyDeletehi MTM,
ReplyDeletei'm a black girl who lives in France (sorry for my bad english ^^), actually i'm cutting off links with some people who are supposed to be my friends but who made me suffer so much during this last 2 years that i wasn't able to sleep peacefully anymore...I was wondering if removing them of my life was a good idea...i wanted it so bad because i had the feeling that this act will make me fell better. Well, I listened to my heart even if i'm alone now ^^ ...but, you just argued with the right words and i'm so gratefull that the providence allows me to read you about it. I couldn't expect better responses. I can blame them to be what they are, but i admit the experience helps me to grow as a stronger person. I can't let somebody break me down anymore because it takes such a long time and energy to be angry whith people or to hate them, and i prefer spend my energy to focus on my happiness and to share it with people who deserve it. I whish you a best year ever and thanks God that you are what you are: a very lovely person.
I'm now sure this year will be very special, in a positive way of course (^_^)
1000 kisses.
Nancy